on regret

january 24, 2024
thoughts on regret and how to beat it

"The day you die is the day you meet the person you could've been".

I fear no emotion more than regret. What makes regret so chilling is the understanding that our life could've been better based on decisions that we had control over. Decisions that we had the power to make. Whether choosing between options or choosing between doing and not doing, I think the pain of regret will always be greater than the pain of trying.

Minimizing Regret

I'm trying to live in a way that will minimize regret for my future self. At 18, I don't regret much and I want to keep it that way. Here's some ideas that I have about minimizing regret. Advice to a younger/older me.

  1. If there's conflict, address it head on. Unspoken feelings/poorly communicated settlements suck. Inside the walls of our head is a breeding ground for delusion and villainization of others. I think I know how someone will react. I think I know what someone else is thinking or feeling or going to think or going to feel after I express myself. I don't.

  2. Play some defense. Think about what would I do if I wanted to feel regret and do the opposite.

If I wanted to feel regret what would I do?

  • Waste time on my phone

  • Not contact my friends

  • Never tell her how I feel

  • Never cold email that person

  • Never learn that skill

  • Quit before I'm done

  • Stay at home

Ok. Now make a conscious effort to not do those things.

  1. Play even more offense. Venture into the unknown because it's thrilling. In exploration there's no regret, only lessons. I've never regretted trying something new for the first time. Either it turns out better than I imagined or I realize I don't like it. Both scenarios are net positive.

Part of regret is the fear of not living up to our potential. Knowing that we could've been more than we are. This thinking implies that we already know what we "could've been". But we don't. The only way to know is to stretch the bounds of what we believe is possible for our lives. Because of that, I feel we all have a personal obligation to increase our "luck". I can't remember where I heard this idea, but luck is a learnable skill or improvable attribute. Practically, it looks like repeatedly making decisions that have little downside but incredible upside or putting ourselves in positions to get lucky on a consistent basis. Ex. dm-ing or talking to a stranger and now you have an opportunity you previously didn't think was possible.

Dealing with Regret

Like most negative emotions in life, I believe the best course of action is to learn from them and then let them go. Personally, I think regret can be an incredible teacher. Regret is universal. At some point, we're all going feel it. However, dwelling on it, sulking on it, and wishing things were different ultimately does nothing. It's ok to regret something. Again, it's universal. What's not ok is to let it torment our mental or trap us into imagining alternate realities. It's possible to regret, learn from it, and then stop holding it against ourselves. If there's something we can do to change our feelings of regret, then we change it. If not, we learn from it, let it go, and no longer hold it against ourselves.

Fail, learn, fail, learn, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I think life is less about our wins and more about how well we bounce off losses.

When it comes to options, it's best to dive into one and forget about the other possible outcomes. Thinking about alternate realities based on non-refundable decisions would be torturing ourselves. Once a non-refundable decision is made, all that's left to do is go all in and let the chips fall where they may. When it comes to doing vs. not doing, when we do, we're almost always guaranteed to learn.

Ava from Bookbear Express said something similar and I think a lot of us can relate to this:

We know things intellectually but have yet to actually learn them.

We know something intellectually but that doesn't mean we know it emotionally.

We know things but we don't know them.

The only real way to know, is to experience it for ourselves.

The opposite of regret is contentment. Living in the present and doing the best with whatever we have in a given season of life makes contentment possible everyday. It doesn't have to mean we're content with the situation we're in, but we can be content with the actions we make.